dream the impossible

lack of sleep

2005-02-04T06:30:47Z

So it's 1 in the morning, and the last thing i want to be is awake now. But sometimes it's just really hard to fall asleep. And tonight is one of those nights. I am honestly drowning in work to do. I feel like i'll never catch up, even though i know that i will eventually, but it seems different now.

i just spend 30 minutes trying to sleep while the bastards across the hall decided it would be fun to use the work "fuck" in every possible context. they also decided that after midnight is the time to bring out their twenty-times-too-loud-to-be-inside-any-building-even-a-hockey-arena voices. i was so mad, but too lazy to get ouf of bed and yell, so instead i got all thoughtful and emotional (it tends to happen). i'm playing my music really loud right now, but i don't care.

i have a feeling that tonight is going to be one of those nights i just want to escape from, and i won't be able to sleep. i'm considering walking down to tim horton's. i just don't really know what to do.

i think it hit me really hard today how incredible and horribly fast the rest of this year is going to go by, and i don't want it to end. my last exam is the day before i move out. reading week will come and go, as will all of march. and *poof*, i'm back in whitby, working my ass of until i finally go back to school and sort out these horrible thing called living arangements.

i just feel like my entire world is crumbling and is falling and i feel like i'm trapped within the walls of my time bedroom and i can't really do anything about it because i have too much reading to do. i feel like i never have anything to say to anyone anymore (people in whitby, my best friends living ten feet away from me, my sisters, my parents, everyone). it's kind of a horrible feeling that's eating me up inside.

i'm still bothered by things i shouldn't be bothered by (ie--shit that happened four months ago, but seem to be eating away at me and are rubbed in my face every day). everyone tells me i need to move on. but i don't think anyone really realizes how hard it is. i don't think i've ever felt as used as i did this year. and i dont think i've ever felt this horrible about something. this has been a rough but wonderful year.

right now as i try to get all these thoughts from circling around me head...i have one thing to say. actually...i have quite a few things to say. i'm pissed off.

i don't know what happened between us, i don't know how you think that your measley efforts to make things betters while you sorted things out in your head have made everything better, and i don't know how you expect me to go on like everything's normal while things are being rubbed in my face like nothing else, but i know that everything you're trying to do is shit. i really wish i'd kept a journal of what went on between us and the shit i dealt with after. maybe that would make you realize. but whatever, i'm trying to move on, in reality, i haven't. deal with your life the way you want to. i need to get away. and by the way, i don't think i've ever felt so horrible about something ever. and yes, i'm crying right now. if you have the ability to treat friendships like that and make me feel like nothing ever happened and that i should erase all memory of you from my mind, then fuck off.

please, don't anybody tell me i need to move on and that there's someone better out there. i know that. i just don't know why it's so hard to move on. i'm trying. but apparently it's really hurt me more than i thought in the beginning, because i've definitely shed too many tears over this. i know it. i just don't know what to do about it.

funny how probably out of my top ten memories, at least half of them involve you. wanna watch frogs? gah. why do i do this to myself?

why does hurt last so long. and why does there have to be hurt?

i have a feeling this is going to be a long night.

i miss being eight years old and only worrying about whether the two separate flower print materials i was wearing matched.

oh wait, i also miss last year, when people didn't make me feel like shit, and when getting thrown into a pool was the best part of the day.

ylimeemily @ 2005-01-05T09:40:00

2005-01-05T14:50:01Z

well, i haven't updated this thing in ages. that always seems to be the case when i write in this thing though. i almost write it in b/c i feel bad about not ever letting all of you know how my life is, but i always feel good in the end.
ok, that was a wonderful preamble.
so, my life over the past few months, umm...not too boring, not overly eventful.

here are a few keys things that have happened (oh, how i love point form):
*got fucked over by a boy
*finished 1/8 of university
*went home for christmas and had a wonderful time
*saw my uncle propose to my aunt to be
*played a 4 hour game of monopoly with my sisters
*had an awesome new year's party
*got a digital camera
*lost 5 pounds (though i will gain them back, guaranteed over the next week of eating meal plan food)
*wrote 4 exams. one of which i didn't even read over.
*decided that i hate english, and am now going to major in speech pathology
(i am writing in this at a computer station, waiting until 10 o'clock so i can talk to an advisor, damn my shitty schedule)
*got into a car accident with an 18-wheeler.
*cried after getting into the accident
*ate 3 turkey dinners, my favourite part of the year
*watched about 40 hours of TLC's mindless television over the break
*laughed, cried, and all those fun things

despite the lack of activity in my life, it's been pretty good. though, i found out last night that my old piano teacher has breast cancer. she's only 32, it's very upsetting.

so now, i'm sitting in a cold, dark hallway, pouring out my life to a computer screen, with my coat on, my hands are pretty much purple, waiting for someone to tell me that i'm not going anywhere with my life. yay!! man, i love university.

anyway...i should get going and write out some questions to ask this advisor. and i will update this thing more often, it does feel good!
bye!

ylimeemily @ 2004-11-05T08:58:00

2004-11-05T14:02:55Z

It's cold, rainy, and I have class in 20 minutes. All i want to do is curl up in a big ball on my bed and fall asleep. Or not even sleep, but read or something, and just do anything but have to face that horrible weather.

Right now, it seems like everything is falling apart. Yeah, it really does. But I can't really do much about it. People change, things change, times change.

Commencement next week....should be fun. It really means that high school is over. There's not going to be anymore things like this. Rez isn't a summer camp that I'm going to come back from, and walk up the steps to Sinclair anymore. It's all over. Life is too fast. And too upsetting sometimes.

I only seem to write in this thing when I'm horribly upset. But whatever...despite a few horrible people...I'm pretty good. I mean...Quebec, no parents, doing whatever I want to do....
but the novelty of these things wear out quickly.

Maybe this weekend will be better. I hope.

Have a good day everyone. I miss you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ylimeemily @ 2004-10-01T19:24:00

2004-10-01T23:27:06Z

you know what pisses me off?? livejournal entries that i write for the first time in 2 months that get deleted when i hit "update journal".

and you know what else is frustrating?? being so close to something, yet so far away.

it's friday night, and i shouldn't be feeling like this, but i am.

you know when it's just one of those times where you just want to cry. yeah. that's what i thought.

ylimeemily @ 2004-08-21T18:53:00

2004-08-21T22:54:37Z

since it's not the evening of the 21st...tomorrow i'll be in montreal!!!! can't wait to meet so many new people and live in that awesome city!!!!!!

i hope all my luggage fits in my car. *crosses fingers*
wow, this is overwhelming!

ylimeemily @ 2004-08-21T18:51:00

2004-08-21T22:52:47Z

well, my room is empty, and when i talk there's an echo. it's so weird. anyway...it still hasn't hit me that i'm leaving, and i'm not sure when it will. i miss everybody already. and my feet are killing me because i haven't sat down all day until now.

my parents aren't home yet, but they should be. i can't wait to see them again!

i guess this is my final post in whitby...next one will be in french, a tribute to montreal!! see you all soon!!

WOW

2004-08-21T04:56:30Z

wow. that's what i'm gong to start with. i'm kinda freaking out here. it's technically august 21st right now, meaning I LEAVE TOMORROW! Holy crap! i don't even know what i'm feeling right now, i don't even know what i should be feeling. I assume that i should be sad, excited, terrified, overwhelmed with stuff to do, and very emotional. and i feel all these things, but i'm not too emotional yet.

yesterday was alright. nothing too spectacular, but it was good to see everyone again. so many people came, and i'm so glad everyone was so supportive and excited for me, and just encouraging me that there were so many new beginnings. it was also wonderful to see all these people who have made such a significant impact on my life. even though some people couldn't make it, it was still good. thank you everybody for being the awesome people you are!

as for leaving. i don't know what to say. i've cried a few times today, pretty much to myself. a lot on msn, while talking to bernice. everything just seems surreal.

there's a skunk in my backyard right now, and it's eating all the garbage, but i don't want to go get it. because i'm scared.

i feel like my life is just about to begin, but that everything's just about to end. and sunday morning, while i'm travelling is kinda like hte transition between the two.

in less than two days now, montreal will be my home. i will make more friends and i will be legal drinking age ;). but that's the least of my concerns.

*sigh*. it's very late, and i should be doing some packing. and i think i will.

"How lucky I am to know so many people who are so hard to say goodbye to"

ylimeemily @ 2004-07-31T01:48:00

2004-07-31T05:48:56Z

According to my last post...seven weeks wasn't nearly enough time to do anything. And now I feel the same about now. If i thought seven weeks wasn't long enough...three weeks is nothing. But I'm going to stop thinking in numbers and live my life wonderfully for the next few weeks.

I have done a lot since my last post. Including getting a job, and quitting 3 days later after 17 hours of UNPAID training. I've had the house to myself for a week, gone to Nikki's pool party, and a "pre-McGill" party, got my G2 (and I couldn't love the freedom any more!), had some awesome time with friends, and a bunch of other stuff in between (like free ice cream, movies, shopping, spending time with family, and working at my most beloved Wong's). And it's been pretty much satisfying. However, the weather has been crappy, making it not feel like summer, and I think I've realized that I'm not going to see Norah or Emilie before I go away. I guess that makes for a couple less painful goodbyes, but it's really not what I want...AT ALL.

So now, all I have to do is figure out the million other things for McGill, register for classes, pull some money out of my ass, shop like crazy for all the little things I need, set up my computer, go to a wedding, (which is conveniently set for the long weekend), organize a camping trip (because I will be devastated if I don't go camping this summer), spend time with friends, organize a going away party for August 19th (at my house), and plenty of other things (like spending time with family, working at Wong's, getting ready for Frosh Week (i've got to build up some kind of tolerance...), get back into the habit of reading, drive as much as possible before I'm carless, and go see John Mayer!).

The lists could go on forever, and I think that I have enough of them already.

Anyway, I'm sure that people have better things to do than to read my list of things I've done, and things to do still. So now I could rant on and on about how I feel right now. And to tell you the truth, I don't quite know. Things have been weird lately. I feel like I'm distancing myself from everybody, and I don't like it. I mean I've become better friends with people (like Meaghan), but other than that, it's been harder and harder to keep in touch with others. I guess I'm being broken into the university life. And as for my relationship predicaments, well, those are ever present, but not quite existent, and still kinda weird. Meh, I made the best of it, or at least i tried to.

I've been trying to be a whole lot more optimistic lately, because it seems that to everybody, all i do is complain and complain...and according to them I probably have a hit list! I hope I'm not that bad. My goal isn't to come off like that, but somehow complaining seems to be a good conversation starter, and it also becomes a good conversation ender for me. Instead of dwelling on the horrible fact that I have to leave so many people come August 22nd, I've been trying to embrace it. Trying, and I think it's kind of working.

Anyway, it's very late, and I'm not in a "pour-my-heart-out" kinda mood. It's more like a "I'm being matter-of-fact and feeling very accomplished because these words are going to fill quite a bit of space on a webpage" kinda post. Oh well, what can ya do?

I bought my dress to wear to the wedding today...and I love it, and I finally get to wear my pink and orange sandals. I am very excited! According to my dad: "All those French boys better watch out". Creepy...but somewhat reassuring! Except for the fact that it's my dad, and I could have just been hit by a truck and he'd say I was gorgeous.

Hmm...I don't have much more to say, so I'm off. I really should go to bed, because I would like to be up before 12 tomorrow...hahah! I'll keep on dreaming...the impossible!

ylimeemily @ 2004-07-06T11:35:00

2004-07-06T15:41:51Z

This summer is making me feel like my life is on hold. Nothing can happen because I'm going away to university. And because of this, I have nothing to do but stare at what I want. DON'T TOUCH! And that's pretty much it.

Still no summer job. I'm looking though, and sleeping in every day and having my parents yell at me is quickly becoming very tedious. I don't know what to do anymore.

Somehow I waited a week for nothing. And nothing it was. I don't know if i can handle this anymore.

On a happier note, my parents are leaving on Sunday and are gone for a week. That will be nice. To have the house to myself again and still not be able to do anything.

I wrote something last night about waiting for tomorrow. It seems like that's all I spend my life doing. Waiting for the next exciting thing, and this summer isn't holding much for me. So, like I said, I pretty much have to put anything on hold. Seven weeks isn't long enough to do anything.

WHY DID I HOLD OFF FOR SO LONG? WHY COULDN'T I LISTEN TO ANYONE'S ADVICE FOR A WHILE, SWALLOW MY PRIDE AND DO SOMETHING. I'M SURE I WOULD HAVE BEEN A WHOLE LOT HAPPIER. IF HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF, THEN MY LIFE IS LOOKING PRETTY DRAB!

Anyway, enough ranting, I'm going to clean to appease my conscience since I don't have a summer job. I'm out.

Ever feel like crying just because of something that you know you could have had??

ylimeemily @ 2004-07-05T00:04:00

2004-07-05T04:06:43Z

Once upon a time there was a little girl who lived in a castle in a fairy tale world. In this world, she believed everything she saw, listened to everything she heard and believed in fairy tale love (like in all those movies). But she soon found out that this wasn't true. So she continued to live in her fairy tale world with her fairy tale dreams gone away.

***********************************************

ylimeemily @ 2004-06-28T16:41:00

2004-06-28T20:43:39Z

I can officially say that life sucks right now, officially.
I hate McGill. Do they not understand the concept of people rooming together. Apparently they don't, but there's the French for you. I am not one bit excited for university now. Not at all, meaning that in 7 weeks, life will be horrible.

I'm trying not to cry over what some people might called spilled milk. However, this is proving to be impossible.

ylimeemily @ 2004-06-27T23:18:00

2004-06-28T03:19:26Z

liquid courage...not so great.
but on the other hand....wow...everyone was so responsive to my last post!
anyway...we'll see where i go from here
there goes 9 years...just like that.

ylimeemily @ 2004-06-26T19:31:00

2004-06-26T23:32:17Z

I don't know what to do...in many situations and for many reasons.
Anyone got any advice on how to not be a coward???

ylimeemily @ 2004-06-16T22:40:00

2004-06-17T02:49:19Z

Today was one of the hardest days of my life. And i say that with complete honesty. All through musical theatre, the horrible realization that this was it...i was no longer going to be a high school student ever again...struck me so hard. It hurts just to write this.
Thanks to everyone who made me cry. I felt so appreciated and so important, and I felt that there was truly reason to be upset about leaving. (i'm talking to you nikki, bernice, ashley, justin, meghan, norah, emilie, callan, paul, amy and other various people). I know that I'm going to treasure so simple words forever whenever I feel down and just want to look back on awesome times. Like the countless hours we've all spent laughing together, and just listening to eachother, helping eachother. It makes me the most upset because I know now that I never truly appreciated anything I had all through high school. And this realization will hopefully change my life for the better. "You don't know what you've got till it's gone"
You guys have all been the building blocks of my life. Without you, I'd be nothing.
Just thought I'd let you all know.

"I always thought I'd look back on us crying and laugh, but I never thought I'd look back on us laughing and cry."

I really didn't. But you've all proven me otherwise.
To all the good times we've had...
And I'm off.

ylimeemily @ 2004-06-06T15:00:00

2004-06-06T19:07:02Z

it's been a while. and now i'm just one big tired old emotional void. so confused. and i'm so sad that school is ending. the next week is going to be awesome. and i'm going to make sure of it.
now that wizard of oz is over...i have no excuse to not find a summer job and do my homework.
man, i missed my deadline. and i don't know if i regret it.
oh the woes of my life!

MONTREAL...HERE I COME!!!! I CAN'T WAIT FOR MCGILL!!!! IT IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!

oh well. next year will bring me more opportunities. now i have to go to work.

ylimeemily @ 2004-05-14T21:11:00

2004-05-15T01:12:46Z

i have the best friends in the world. and i mean it. i'm already sad that sears is over. somehow, crying makes everything feel better. being crushed is a horrible feeling, but made me realize a lot. some of which i wasn't too happy to hear. things are never going to be the same. but it's ok. i have the best friends in the world.

ylimeemily @ 2004-05-11T19:44:00

2004-05-11T23:45:08Z

just got back from ottawa.
a very awesome weekend.
just spent the past 5 hours talking about life.
and i just let another opportunity pass me by.

ylimeemily @ 2004-05-08T11:51:00

2004-05-08T15:52:00Z

QUEEN'S OR OTTAWA????? I WANT SOMEBODY ELSE TO MAKE THIS DECISION FOR ME.

ylimeemily @ 2004-05-01T23:59:00

2004-05-02T04:00:10Z

how come it feels like if i say something, it will come true? it's not happening that way. and it never will.

ylimeemily @ 2004-04-27T16:32:00

2004-04-27T20:34:19Z

I HATE THIS!
and you should know why.
life is unfair.
horribly unfair.
and i feel like nothing will ever work out.
:(
the past 4 days has been full of highs and lows. and i really don't know what to think anymore.
so maybe i'll just stop thinking. sounds like a feasable solution.

ylimeemily @ 2004-04-20T22:55:00

2004-04-21T03:04:02Z

it's 10:53 and time is going by so quickly. i started loading this page at 10:50. that's three minuted gone. i feel like my life is slipping away from me so quickly, and so horribly fast. things are just going by too quickly for me to understand. and time is slipping away. and this is an uncotrollable feeling.
37 or something days of high school left. 37. That number is horrifying. I'm scared of everything. I don't know what to think anymore about anything and it's just all going by so quickly.

I haven't updated this thing in a long time.

But i've made a few resolutions.

First of all..i'm going to start cherishing things a lot more than I have been. And I'm going to minimize my complaining. And by minimize, i don't mean stop...just minimize.

And how come i'm being so indecisive about everything.

If only one of you knew how motivated I was today. I was soooo motivated. But i like to keep my mouth shut and make myself miserable. I'm worried about Sears, i'm worried about my time running out and I'm worried about so much stuff...like money. and school. and friendships.

And after that wildfire thing today, I'm really starting to question where I'm going with life. Oh the things which i will try to leave up to fate...and possibly fail miserably.

I need to write a book, or a play. Or something. I feel like i should, but i never have the motivation.

Is Satruday a good day? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't think I can sit back anymore.

P.S.....Nikki, I'm sorry. Why do I always say things to screw stuff up.

ylimeemily @ 2004-03-31T21:33:00

2004-04-01T02:35:55Z

math midterm over. things are good.

i'm exhausted right now, but that's okay. bedtime is soon.

i need to stop being in a continuous bad mood. and i will...i just want this week to end....

i have quite a big collection of fortunes from fortune cookies...

fortune for the day: You will take a chance in the near future....hmmm....it creeps me out how accurate these things can be...

:S oh well. i'm out

ylimeemily @ 2004-03-24T16:37:00

2004-03-24T21:39:06Z

is acceptance to ottawa still early acceptance???
anyway..i'm in. i have nothing to worry about...except not getting my diploma! because it is conditional. but i'm not too worried.
the only thing that worries my now is the fact that since they want to give me money...i might have to go there...oh well.
more later. for now..i'm going to sleep.

ylimeemily @ 2004-03-18T17:43:00

2004-03-18T22:52:59Z

i do have a lot to write, but i have no motivation to write it. march break isn't nearly long enough. i've suuccessfully slept in until 12 every day. and it makes me feel so lazy. the first part of the week was eventful. the rest of is isn't so.
my sisters got back from florida yesterday, and the silence is gone now. it was so nice to wake up to quiet all throughout the house.
work has been boring, as usual, but i realized that i need to always have a job with human interaction. i could never sit there for hours and pack boxes. SOMEONE FOUND A COCKROACH IN THEIR SOUP AT WONG'S ON TUESDAY. IT WAS DISGUSTING. NOW THE WHOLE PERK OF GETTING FREE FOOD IS DESTROYED. THIS IS A WARNING TO ANYONE CONSIDERING A DINING EXCURSION TO WONG'S ANY TIME SOON.
i cleaned out my room, top to bottom, and rearranged it. it's a good improvement, and i love it. though it's already getting messy again.
i have watched so much tv this week it's sickening. TLC has been on in my room constantly. it's such mindless entertainment that i can't stop watching it. so my week, overall has involved sleep, tv and cleaning.
downtown on monday was fun. i wish i had 800 to spend on a prom dress....if only! i didn't buy anything though, so my goal to go shopping wasn't met.
i went to the movies with my parents on tuesday. saw mystic river. the acting was awesome, and the plot was good, until the end. way to get yourself all into a twisted story then end it in the most retarded way possible. i hate when movies do that.

oh well, this post has been ludicrously boring. a play-by-play of the past week of my life.

i feel like my life is at a standstill...nothing is going on.
and the days are going by with nothing too exciting.

i have a new wave of excitement about going to univeristy.! and my midterms are going to be the deciding factors of my life pretty much...they're going to decide where i get accepted, and where i don't...

oh well. what can you do?

p.s. i've realized that writer's craft has really drained me of all my creativity. i never want to write anything anymore. blah.

SEARS

2004-03-07T04:01:32Z

WE WON! WE WON! WE WON! and boy, did we ever WIN!

just got back from the awards ceremony, and i can't think of anything else but about how happy i am. it was absolutely amazing!

the list of awards is as follows:

*Stage Manager's award

*Award of merit for Jeremy

*Award of Excellence for the Cast

*Award of Excellence for Nikki

*AND WE'RE GOING TO THE EASTERN REGIONALS!!!! ahhhh!!

this is such a good feeling. we cleaned the awards, and had an awesome time while doing it! and dinner after was even more fun. i love sears, and this is going to be an awesome way to end the year, and it's left me with so many memories.

the only downfall....lots of homework. but i think that it's overshadowed by so many more things than that! ;)

i really don't have much more to say. i love this quality time. oooooohh! i'm so excited! and i love theatre!!

yay nikki...awesome directing, and i apologize again for not encouraging the show. it rocks. i love this feeling!

and things are looking promising...so many stories to tell ;)

and, to finish this off...a list of higlights of the week...

*watching all the shows

*bowling

*the shows at school

*spray paint cans exploding...not a highlight...but a memorable moment.

*good times...cars and everything!

*the awards show tonight

*graham's list of things

*the dressing room...and a good set of tears to go with it!

*the cast party at melanie pringle's!

*numerous things...which i will not innumerate now!

*and meeting all those awesome people and all these memories

*the fact that it hasn't ended!

(p.s--Sears week IS better than Christmas)